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Song: “The Concrete Frog Murder” (co-authored with Katherine Nehring)

Words: April Grant and Katherine Nehring 2016
Tune: Traditional (“Five Nights Drunk”)

As we walked out one evening
All to the church bazaar,
To see our friends and neighbors
And ask them how they are,
We met with Mrs. Johnson
A-sitting in the sun,
She said, “I just killed my husband,”
We said, “Pull the other one.”

Oh no, you must believe me,
My husband Frank is dead,
I hit him with a concrete frog
And put him in the shed.

When I went down the stylist
For my shampoo and set,
The hairdresser said to me,
“Have you heard the gossip yet?
Mrs. Johnson’s husband left her,
He must have gone away.”
“Well, that explains the tasteless joke
She made the other day.”


Well, Mrs. Johnson lived alone
As time went rolling on,
If you ask my opinion
She seemed glad that he was gone.
If Frank was ever mentioned
Down the pub on Friday night,
She’d always make that same sick joke —
We laughed to be polite.


Now, amateur dramatics
Are a longtime love of mine.
I said, “I’m directing Hamlet,”
Mrs. Johnson said, “That’s fine,
I’ve got a skull that you can use,
It’s in my garden shed,
It belonged to my dear husband.”
“Not this again,” I said.


Well, Mrs. Johnson passed away
Quite peacefully in bed,
We called a cleaning service
To clear out her garden shed.
They found a body in a tarp
All rolled up like a log,
And in its forehead was a dent
Shaped like a concrete frog.

(to tune of chorus:)
Whoever would have thought it?
She never even said!
That dear old lady frogged poor Frank
And put him in the shed.

“The Concrete Frog Murder” was written in 2016 in about thirty minutes’ time, during a camping trip, with my friend Katherine Nehring. It was based on a true story from earlier that year, which we had seen reported in the late, lamented comment section of The Toast. We composed the lyrics so quickly, and cooperated so well, that I am no longer sure who wrote which lines. The tune is based on “Five Nights Drunk.”
Go here for the lyrics of “The Concrete Frog Murder” in a Google document, ready to print.